In 2009, I wrote a post called Jade Goody The Musical, about speculative plans to turn the life story of Jade Goody, meta-celebrity, into a musical.

With Britain’s Got Talent legend Susan Boyle hotly tipped to play Goody’s mum, and Richard Gere confirming he had been lined up to play Max Clifford, ‘Goody Goody Yum Yum!: Jade the musical’, is only in need of a talent willing to strip off on stage then simulate fatal cervical cancer before it gets the green light.

(I note with some hindsighted pleasure that my article was published the day before a similar post on The Graun’s website. Mine was also better.)

Anyway, in an unwelcome slight return, I learn that Jade Goody The Musical is now, actually, set to be performed, only instead of a musical it is an opera, and instead of “Jade Goody The Opera” it is to be called “And the Crowd (wept)”.

This pensive title might be an effort to set the brow a little higher, but they would have a long way to go to beat the arching mine is doing.

Imagine our* surprise on picking up the free newspaper yesterday!

The story made for compelling reading.

*Thanks to J for District Line workshop hysteria and doing the fiddly bit with the image software, among countless other wonderfulnesses. xx

Robbing the Grave

Goody Musical Excitement Mounts

Speculation on who would fill still-cooling-in-the-ground reality TV star Jade Goody’s shoes in a musical of her life continued today. And in a not-at-all shock move, it was announced that the remains of Goody herself may be used to front the extravaganza.

With Britain’s Got Talent legend Susan Boyle hotly tipped to play Goody’s mum, and Richard Gere confirming he had been lined up to play Max Clifford, ‘Goody Goody Yum Yum!: Jade the musical’, is only in need of a talent willing to strip off on stage then simulate fatal cervical cancer before it gets the green light.

However, project lead Danny Hayward, a friend and former business partner of the deceased star, said that a huge, excruciating ‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Jade?’ talent scout series might not be necessary.

“If auditions to find some poor fucker to play her prove unsuccessful, we can always dig up the old girl, stick a speaker in her pelvis and have someone like, I don’t know, Charlotte Church phone in the singing.”

Hayward, who actually really said “Her dream as a little girl was to be in a musical, so obviously when she passed away it felt fitting to do something like this,” was given bland encouragement in his appalling plan by Max Clifford. 

Professional ghoul Clifford horrifyingly refused to completely rule out the idea that he might make any more money out of the unfortunate reformed racist, saying he was involved in ‘serious discussions’ with his accountant about the issue.

The musical is being written by Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Ben Elton, and will feature brand new songs ‘We Are Portugenese if You Please,’ ‘Fandangula in East Angular,’ and ‘Yes, Sir, She’s A Goody’.