Danger! Danger! Sunday night was spent watching, at long last, the 2009 film Crank 2: High Voltage, starring Jason Statham.

We are partial to a bit of Statham, or Stath. Having seen Crank and thought it preposterous but enjoyable, we seem to have been waiting for ages for this one, bumped repeatedly for various reasons, but last week, finally, a welcome LoveFilm arrival in the mails.

If you haven’t seen either, or can’t be bothered, the Cranks are like a reduction of the Statham Transporter franchise vehicle, a daft compote of overtly cartoonish video game capering about by an indestructible hit man who keeps on going with a grimace and a quip no matter how much shit he has to contend with.

It is a obvious metaphor for Stath’s career.

In Crank, Stath’s character Chev Chelios wakes up full of a slow-acting poison (potential slow acting joke gloss), meaning he has to keep boosting his adrenaline rate to stay alive. He does this with fights, drugs, chasing cars on a BMX, all sorts. He falls hundreds of feet out of a helicopter at the end, bounces off the road and survives, so powerful is his ‘Strawberry Tart’.

Crank 2: High Voltage begins where the first one leaves off, with an artificial heart Macguffin device, requiring frequent electrical charging, implanted in Chelios by Triad bosses because… oh, forget because. The film has a fight scene in an electricity substation, performed by stuntmen dressed up to look like giant Godzillabeast versions of Chelios and the bad guy, with little models of workmen watching it agog. Fantastic.

What with that and a worryingly plausible cameo from Geri Halliwell – I know, I KNOW – as Chelios’s mum, there was much that was disturbing about Crank 2. It’s preposterously preposterously violent. Yet there’s all this well-read comic strip framing, snappily-scripted asides… Massively enjoyable.

Stath/Chelios concludes the movie proper actually on fire, proffering a blazing middle finger direct to camera and snarling. It could only have been improved with him actually saying “Yeah yeah yeah YEAHHH!!!”, the final yeah turning into a manic blaahhh, tongue waggling in abandon, because he does not give two toasted fucks.

All that zap and fizz of electricity brought to mind one of my favourite fast food experiences, perhaps the only thing comparable to the deep fried, so bad for you it’s good for you, crispy insanity of the film, in fact, which was the KFC Zinger Tower Burger Meal.

We didn’t have KFC, not on a Sunday, good lord, no. We made do with massive beef sarnies. And I last had a Zinger Tower Burger in the KFC in Brixton about 5 years ago. My arteries have only just stopped clucking. Very tasty fried goodness though. It’s a spicy (“Zingy!”) chicken burger that just has to have a hash brown put on top of it, for some spurious reasons.

“Our Zinger experts are all in total agreement that if you’re going to add anything to this unique combination of savoury, spicy tastes, then it just has to be a hash brown. After all, you don’t want to add more spice.”

Tufnelesque. “But… this one’s got a hash brown in it.”

Yet Crank 2 DOES want to add more spice. Crank is a Double Zinger Tower Meal with Extra Spicy Hash Browns and Reggae Reggae Sauce on the fries. It has the same disdain for cardiac science. It is, like, well fackin’ tasty. And I understand that Crank 3 begins production this year. Yeah yeah yeah YEAHHH!!!

Full transcript (translation) of “Soliciting Purr” Tape

CAT: Hey… Hey. Hi. Hey, hiya handsome! Mmmm, you’re looking snuggly. You’re so cute, I just want to put my paw on you. Hee hee!

Oh! Is that… forward of me? I’m so bad. [frisking noises]

Mmmm, but you look so good! I just want to rub up against you… would that be okay? Hmmm, handsome?

Oh, I’m so, so bad! [Frisking noises]

But you… you make me such a skittish kitten. Hee hee! Say, that tickles. Mmmm, you make me so… hungry.

Yes, hungry. I feel like I could really… eat something. Hmmm? Whaddyasay, handsome. Something yummy in my tummy?

Oh, you’re so good with your hands! Mmmm, make me so huuungry, hungry to be fuuuull

You know how a tin opener works, don’t ya big guy? You just sink in the teeth and slowly… turn…”

Etc, etc, etc